When you can’t seem to find what you want to in a certain place no matte how hard u look for it, is the thing you are looking for misplaced or are you looking in all the wrong places?
That is what I have been asking myself for the past 9 months since I left the cruise company after finding out they were going to pack up and leave for another country.
I keep asking myself where I went wrong. I keep improving my methods, my techniques and my game plan but it seems like the more hope I bank on, the more disappointed I get. Am I kidding myself?
This town didn’t work for me before. That’s why I left in 2002. What made me think that I could make it work this time around? Was it because I have been away for a while and now I’m back and wiser? Well right now it seems like the wiser I get, the worst my situation gets in tandem.
No wonder my best buddy left. It was perhaps the best decision he made in his life. Look at where he is now, a bright future ahead of him. It didn’t matter where it took him, even to a god forsaken place. My gal was right. I’m too choosy! But you would too if you were me. We need to set a certain standard for ourselves in this world right? It’s all about wanting the best for ourselves. Isn’t that what our parents wanted for us while we were growing up? But look where all that brought me? Nothing but one frustration after another.
Like everyone else, I don’t know who I should start blaming next. The government? The global economic meltdown? Paranoid companies? This day and age? Religion? I think I’m all over spewing my unhappiness over all of the above. Its about time I get a mirror and take a long hard look at who I really am and who I really want to be and what I really want to do. But… do I really have the luxury of that? Do we all? My dad used to tell me that we rarely get to do the things or become who we really want to be in this lifetime. Life is all about grabbing whatever we can get our hands on and making the best out of every moment we can.
Which brings me to another question… Have I been taking all the wrong advices? Have I been following all the wrong principles?
What would I do if I know that I couldn’t fail? I’ve read that sentence somewhere in the tons of books I own and tons more in the libraries I go to frequently. What would I do? Is this a trick question? Do I have to delve deep inside my soul to find the answer to that or is it something superficial which escaped my eyes? I don’t know if there is more to this life than what have been served to me thus far or there is a more simple answer to all the worries and suffering of everyday human life.
I mean, life should be simple, right? I mean, it really could be. We humans take something as simple as life and complicate and mess it up so badly that in the end we don’t even know what it is all about anymore. Its like we thrive on chaos, complication and uncertainty.
This is exactly what I am going through right now. If I didn’t put my hopes up too high, aim for the moon, expect more from myself and complicate the shit out of my simple existence, I wouldn’t be in such a predicament I am currently in. If everyone is a big shot doesn’t mean I have to be one too right? I could be a Mr. Nobody and still be happy and contented. I dunno why I can’t bring myself to accept that for a fact.
But, it isn’t such a bad thing after all. Look at what I have achieved in this life so far. It far exceeds even my own expectation in such a short period of time. If it’s that good, then what do I still want? What else is lacking in my life? Why can’t I accept it for what it is now? I keep thinking in terms of how it could be like, what it is like when its done. The end justifying the means. I’ve been so obsessed with the end result, I can confidently say that, I’m not sure what I had expected the end result to look like. For all I know, I have already achieved that result!
In all the frenzy of running the rat race, always thinking in terms of tomorrow and what if, I have kinda lost touch with some of the things which exists in the present. I’m sure I have. I find myself doing less and less of the enjoyable things I used to engage in before I started worrying about the future and how to get there. It’s true! I don’t hang out with my friends like I used to. Even if I do, I seldom reminisce about the past with them the way I used to do before. What we talk about is always about whats ahead and what we’d like to be or like to have or what will be. What a drag! I used to enjoy the simple things in life.
I think my problem is, I do more of the planning for life but less of the living of life. Well I’m glad. I’m glad I finally see what I have been denying myself of seeing. I fully understand it now. Live every moment as if it was your last. Live as if you’re gonna die tomorrow. Life is simple, why complicate it? But where should I start? When is a good time to start living my life? When should I live like I am dying? When should I love like I never loved before? When should I start planning my life and start living my life? Today? Tomorrow? Right now?
I have made a decision not to worry so much. Not to fear so much and start to live my life for the present. Yesterday is in the past. Tomorrow is too far away, today a gift, a gift from the Almighty, I think that’s why it’s called the present.
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