Selamat hari raya to all! the long raya weekend, i was dreading this day because it meant i was stuck here in kl for 3 whole days with nothing better to do and also i don't get to go back to Penang. Nevertheless, last night was quite fun. I went out and bought myself 2 pirated dvds (of course), Bourne Ultimatum and Evan Almighty. I didn't get around to watching Evan Almighthy yet, cos i popped Bourne Ultimatum into the dvd player and was amazed that i didn't get ripped off buying a lousy pirated copy. the quality and sound was superb and excellent!
After that i logged online to the chatroom to kill off my boredom. it was around midnight already. the first few people i tried chatting up was either sleeping already or too boring. Normally I only chat with people who put their names or names of real humans as their nicknames (not that i do myself), but it shows a degree of sincerity). i should start reconsidering my own for my degree of sincerity sake.
I clicked on this 'hello_nurse' nickname not expecting anything much more than an inviter bot or porn site advertisement bot. To my surprise, it was a real person.. and a real nurse to top it off. Although i'm not too sure the pictures she sent me during our ym chat session was hers, I reckon i shouldn't have anything to doubt about this one. 38 year old staff nurse somewhere in Malaysia with more provocative chat styles and topics that I could come up with in that short period of time. An experienced chatter i presume. The type of person I have been longing to chat wif for the past 12 yrs i am in the online chatroom.
Well, the chemistry was there, the topics were flowing nicely and get ice was breaking well. Too bad she had to go to bed after a short chat (it was almost 4am already). Well not that I expect anyone to read this silly posting. Nonetheless, if I browse through here in a couple of months time, it might bring back some happy memories of my chatting days.
I was feeling pretty much under the weather a couple of hours ago, between now, typing out this blog and after i turned off the Bourne Ultimatum dvd. Its about someone who called and asked if I was just playing around with peoples feelings and not being serious.
Cmon, I wanna be as serious as I can, given the right circumstances. However, psychologically I push people who want to enter into my world and be part of it away when i feel my 'comfort zone', my feelings are at risk of being hurt badly in the future. Probably it's what I have been through that I subconsciously do so. I don't intend to push people away. I love to be loved and cared for. I loved to be the centre of attention and show love. Please don't get me wrong. Its just that I can't take it when i get hurt over and over again. I rather be alone surrounded by myself in my 'comfort zone'.
I'm not an emotional train wreck. I dun have mood swings or will take you on a roller coaster ride with my mood. If you ask me, i will tell you i'm perfectly fine. I too like to be surrounded by my friends and know that people around me acknowledge my existence. A hermit is what I'm not. When I don't want to see you, you need to understand that I got my own 'stuff' to sort out.
I am capable of loving and being loved too. Its just that i want to make my choice one I won't regret later on in life. After seeing relationships break down, lives of people i know and some even care for change around me, of cos if given a choice i want my storybook to be different right? why go through life with the hassle of communication/relationship breakdowns when you know you can do something about it? When the power to change things is clearly in your hands, of course you set out to find the best possible solution, the best possible ending to your fairy tale.
Don't come and accuse me and ask me to go on fearing the fact that i am afraid to get hurt and push people away. I didn't ask you to pity me. I don't need it.
I reckon we as humans have a tendancy to complicate life. It could be simple and straightforward. I read a forwarded email on Friday. It went something like this:
A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenlyhis room filled with light, and the Lord appeared The Lord told the man he had work for him to do,and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained:that the man was to push against the rock with all his might.This the man did, Day after day. For many years he toiled from sunup to sundown,his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock,Pushing with all his might.
Each night the man returned to his cabin sore,and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.Since the man was showing signs of discouragement,the devil decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the man's weary mind:"You have been pushing against that rock for a longtime, and it hasn't budged.Why kill yourself over this? You are never going to move it."Thus, giving the man the impression that the task was impossibleand that he was a failure.These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man."Why kill myself over this?" he thought. "I'll just put in my time,giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough."And that is what he planned to do, until one day hedecided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord. "Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard inyour service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked.Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter.What is wrong? Why am I failing?"
The Lord responded compassionately,"My friend, when I asked you to serve meand you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rockwith all your strength, which you have done.Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it.Your task was to push.And now you come to me with your strength spent,thinking that you have failed.But is that really so? Look at yourself.Your arms are strong and muscled, your back is sinewy and brown,your hands are callused from constant pressure,and your legs have become massive and hard.Through opposition you have grown much,and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have.Yet you haven't moved the rock.But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faithand trust in My wisdom. This you have done.I, my friend, will now move the rock."
At times, when we hear a word from the Lord, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants,when actually what the Lord wants is just simple obedience and faith in Him....By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still the Lord who moves the mountains.For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ for it is the power of God unto salvation to everyone that believes ... Romans 1:16When everything seems to go wrong ... just P.U.S.H.!When the job gets you down ... just P.U.S.H.!When people don't react the way you think they should just P.U.S.H.!When your money looks "gone" and the bills are due ... just P.U.S.H.!When people just don't understand you ... just P.U.S.H.!
P.U.S.H. = Pray Until Something Happens!!!!!
Now i'm not a christian. Nor do i encourage stories like this to be told to me by people promoting their faith targeted at me. Nonetheless this story, I can say, inspired and uplifted me. The effect was the same as the Footprints story which I heard some time back, which some people mock for having religious promoting elements inside. when it comes to these things i guess im alittle sensitive. Look, I won't say I'm not religious. I am! I have a faith I believe in don't I? I'm a buddhist, or so I confess to be. But I rather it be I'm spiritual. When you're spiritual, you go beyond the boundries of defending your own religion and building a brick wall between you and the person next to you. When you are spiritual, you will always think that there is a supreme being, or can plug into the infinite intelligence of the universe (or things along that line) rather than say that there is God, or Jesus, or Buddha. When you are spiritual, you do not differentiate between your God and my God. God becomes... God, it belongs to nobody, it is the universe and not the creator of it. I dunno if any of this makes sense. Haha... Well it does to me, at least now.
Gosh! Look at home much I have written. I just want to look back at this posting some time later in the future with a smile on my face remembering how eventful today has been, one which started out lousy, turned worst, made me feel good and happy, then crappy then good and happy again to the state i am in right now.
Good night (or rather morning!)
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